The Cat Story

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard ran back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long, he said as they drove away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Shetried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd just better not shit in the roses!" The cab driver hit a parked car. Thanks Joni

The Old Farmer

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE OLD PEOPLE A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." Thanks Ronda

Baby in the tree

If you can't see the baby in the picture, don't give up. It's really cool when it actually appears. This is not a joke and ~ NO ~ Nothing is going to jump out at you! You have to have an open mind.

Don't look for a Baby, and you will see the Baby! Once you see it you won't see anything else!!! This is so cool. Do you see the baby?

Thanks Ronda

To Tell the Truth

THE OUTHOUSE Once there was a little boy that lived in the country.They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it becauseit was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determinedthat one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boydecided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.So he got a large stick and started pushing.Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed aftersupper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered , "yes." Then he thought a moment and said,"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down acherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth. "The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree." Thanks Ronda

The Why's of Men

• 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
• (because they are plugged into a genius)
• 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
• (they don't have enough time)
• 3.. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
• (they don't stop to ask directions)
• 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
• (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
• (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
• 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
• (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
• 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
• (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
• 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
• (don't know......it never happened)
• ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
• And the personal favorite:
• 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
• (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
• Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart.
• Thanks Ronda

WAL-MART GREETER

THE PERFECT WAL-MART GREETER A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?" "No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that someone would have slept with you twice. You have a nice day now."

One for the OB/GYN!

Should children witness childbirth? Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!" If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you. "You can be greater than anything that can happen to you." - NormanVincent Peale

Thanks Ronda

A Dogs day

Sometimes it just pays to be patient..... ' I'll wait.... you go ahead. ' Thanks Ronda

Reunion in the Bahamas

Family reunion in the Bahamas - $5,000

Family photograph made into Christmas cards at print shop - $100

Not noticing Waldo in the upper right corner - PRICELESS

For Everything Else . . . There's Master card.

Thanks Ronda

Who Am I

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I? "The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"! "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is. "The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times.... Thanks Ronda

Did You Know

• So You Thought You Knew Everything
• *Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there
• *The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
• *No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
• *Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
• *You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
• *Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
• *The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
• *The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
• *A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
• *American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
• *Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
• *Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
• *The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
• *Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
• *The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
• *Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
• *Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
• *All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
• *Walt Disney was afraid of mice
• *Pearls melt in vinegar.
• *Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
• *The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
• *It is possible to lead a cow upstairs..but not downstairs.
• *A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
• *The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
• *Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contain all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
• *Turtles can breathe through their butts.
• *Butterflies taste with their feet.
• Dogs taste with their stomachs (smell tells them if it is fit to eat or not)
• *In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
• *On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
• *On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
• *Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
• *Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
• *Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
• *Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• *It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
• *The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
• *A snail can sleep for three years.
• *No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." (or Orange)
• *Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
• *Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
• *The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
• *All polar bears are left handed.
• *In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
• *An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that! :)
• *TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• *"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
• *If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
• *A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
• *The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
• *Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
• *Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.
• PS... So........ did you try to lick your elbow??
• Thanks Ronda

MATH PROBLEM

• UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM
• Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.
• Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country.
• Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your Head)
• 1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code)
• 2. Multiply by 80
• 3. Add 1
• 4. Multiply by 250
• 5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
• 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
• 7. Subtract 250
• 8. Divide number by 2
• Do you recognize the answer ??
• Thanks Ronda

Disney's Desperate Housewives

Roosters

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!” “Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.” The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away. “Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!” Thanks Bill

The Good Napkins

This cracked me up! Tell me you all didn't wonder about these when youwere little!! THE GOOD NAPKINS... ahhhhh... the joys of having Girls... My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her firstmistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinetdoors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she waskeeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me thatthose were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and myfolks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom hadassignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burstinto laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next camemy father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw eachplace setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at eachplate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the littletail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sentthe other adults into further fits of laughter . "But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!" Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?! ???????? Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh. ! Life is too short for drama & petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, Love truly and forgive quickly Thanks Ronda

Mowing Grass

Picture of this Army soldier in Iraq with his tiny "plot" of grass in front of his tent. It's heartwarming! Here is a soldier stationed in Iraq, stationed in a big sand box. He asked his wife to send him dirt ( U..S. soil), fertilizer, and some grass seed so that he can have the sweet aroma, and feel the grass grow beneath his feet. When the men of the squadron have a mission that they are going on, they take turns walking through the grass and the American soil -- to bring them good luck.

Thanks Ronda

Panhandling

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support" Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico" Thanks Bill

Home Security System

• Installing a Home Security System (Southern Style)
• 1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's size 16 work boots.
• 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a few copies of Guns & Ammo magazine and some back-issues of NRA magazine.
• 3. Put several giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. (Include a deer thighbone).
• 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
• Hey Duke! Big Jim, Slammer, Slim, and I went for more hollow-point ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and they messed him up real bad.
• I don't think Killer took part in it. Thank God! It was hard to tell, though, from all the blood. Took Bobbi-Jo hours to clean up the sidewalk.
• Anyways, I locked all four dogs up in the house. Better wait outside.
• They're kinda spooked.
• We be right back, Bubba
• Thanks Ronda

field trips

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys, up one by one, while they were holding onto their "wee wee's" to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade." "No, ma'am, "he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

Be careful of what you ask for

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.After a long period of silence, the priest spoke."Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, Father.""In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.""I agree.""Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?""Anything, Father.""I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.""Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty."Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"She consented and he fondled them for several minutes."Father, could I ask something of you?""Yes, Sister?""I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?""I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe."Oh Father, may I touch it?"The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection."Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.""Is that true, Father?""Yes, it is, Sister.""Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here." Thanks Ronda

I speak blonde

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I 'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TOHOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT ANDTHE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THATBECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TOHOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'MMARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE & WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, ""OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT INECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHATHE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS................. I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON." Thanks Ronda

Cajun Pregnacy

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the Doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby . She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! you just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!" Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! you got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy! " When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat d own with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere three-in-one Oil?" His wife said, "Yeah, I do!" Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good ting we did n't use no WD-forty." Thanks Ronda

A funny parallel

A funny Parallel or oxymoron???? A funny parallel... I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere. Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quite, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see . . . our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be a automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. Thanks Ronda

Coolest Headstone

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah .

5 Rules for a Happy Life

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women never meet.

Thanks Dad

things kids hear

A teacher was doing a study testing the taste senses of her First graders. Using a bowl of life savers, she asked them to identify the flavor of each different color. The children began to say: "Red.........................cherry," "Yellow..................lemon," "Green................lime," " Orange........orange, "Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father. "One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:"Oh My God!!!! They're ass holes! Thanks Dawn

Strange 'facts' (?)

What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception.

• Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it? Skinny dipping.
• What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show? No theme song/music.
• Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace. This is propinquity.
• Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession
• More women do this in the bathroom than men. Wash their hands. Women * 80% - Men - 55%
• What do 100% of all lottery winners do? Gain weight.
• In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell. Banana
• If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand
• What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
• Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men. Change their underwear.
• This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous. A kiss
• This is the only food that doesn't spoil. Honey
• There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. Father's Day
• What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
• 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this? Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
• 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. Wear underwear.
• What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% carbon dioxide? A fart.
• About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting? Flush the toilet.
• What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"? Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.
• 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this. Cheating on their wives.

What is a racist?

I received this 3 times today and forward it for your nod of approval or sneer of disgust.You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me "Whiteboy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" and that's OK.But when I call you, nigger, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink you call me a racist.You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live? You have the United Negro College Fund.You have Martin Luther King Day.You have Black History Month.You have Cesar Chavez Day.You have Yom HashoahYou have Ma'uled Al-NabiYou have the NAACP.You have BET.If we had WET(White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.If we had white history month, we'd be racists.If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists.If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US, yet if there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college. In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists. You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists. You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.I am proud, but you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists? There is nothing improper about this email.

FUN QUIZ!!!

• The average person only gets 7 correct. This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see!
• There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life. Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!
• Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7)
• Write down your answers as you go. Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.
• REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU RE ALLY ARE.
• Here we go!
• 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
• 2. How many states are there in the USA ? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
• 3 In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
• 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
• 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
• 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)
• 7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
• 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
• 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
• 10. Which way does water godown the drain, counter or clockwise ?
• 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
• 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
• 13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
• 14. Which way do fans rotate?
• 15 How many sides does a stop sign have?
• 16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
• 17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
• 18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
• 19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
• 20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
• 21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
• 22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
• 23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
• 24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
• 25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

• ANSWERS

• 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM
• 2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50
• 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT
• 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD
• 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0
• 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?RIGHT
• 7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20
• 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED
• 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88
• 10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)
• 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run ?TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT
• 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)
• 13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT
• 14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT
• 15. How many sides does a stop sign have? 8
• 16. Do books have even-numbered pages on theright or left side? LEFT hhhh
• 17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5
• 18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6
• 19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL
• 20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?8
• 21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES
• 22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT
• 23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? * ,
• 24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3
• 25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER
• I got 21 right

Feng Shui Horoscope

• Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens! If you are honest this tells the truth -- it's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom... 1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
• 2. Your first initial?
• 3. Your month of birth?
• 4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
• 5 . Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
• 6. Your favorite number?
• 7. Do you like California or Florida more?
• 8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
• 9. Write down a wish (a realistic one) When you're done, scroll down.
• Don'tcheat >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>
• Answers: 1. If you choose: Red - You are alert and your life is full of love. Black - you are conservative and aggressive. Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
• 2. If your initial is: A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
• 3. If you were born in: JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever. JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good. OCT - DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your soulmate.
• 4. If you chose... Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
• 5. This person should be your best friend.
• 6. This is how many close friends you will have in your lifetime.
• 7. If you chose: California : You like adventure. Florida : You are a laid back person.
• 8. If you chose: Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

• Dec 23 to Jan 01 Apple Tree
• Jan 01 to Jan 11 Fir Tree
• Jan 12 to Jan 24 Elm Tree
• Jan 25 to Feb 03 Cypress Tree
• Feb 04 to Feb 08 Poplar Tree
• Feb 09 to Feb 18 Cedar Tree
• Feb 19 to Feb 28 Pine Tree
• Mar 01 to Mar 10 Weeping Willow Tree
• Mar 11 to Mar 20 Lime Tree
• Mar 21 (only) Oak Tree
• Mar 22 to Mar 31 Hazelnut Tree
• Apr 01 to Apr 10 Rowan Tree
• Apr 11 to Apr 20 Maple Tree
• Apr 21 to Apr 30 Walnut Tree
• May 01 to May 14 Poplar Tree
• May 15 to May 24 Chestnut Tree
• May 25 to Jun 03 Ash Tree
• Jun 04 to Jun 13 Hornbeam Tree
• Jun 14 to Jun 23 Fig Tree
• Jun 24 (only) Birch Tree
• Jun 25 to Jul 04 Apple Tree
• Jul 05 to Jul 14 Fir Tree
• Jul 15 to Jul 25 Elm Tree
• Jul 26 to Aug 04 Cypress Tree
• Aug 05 to Aug 13 Poplar Tree
• Aug 14 to Aug 23 Cedar Tree
• Aug 24 to Sep 02 Pine Tree
• Sep 03 to Sep 12 Weeping Willow Tree
• Sep 13 to Sep 22 Lime Tree
• Sep 23 (only) Olive Tree
• Sep 24 to Oct 03 Hazelnut Tree
• Oct 04 to Oct 13 Rowan Tree
• Oct 14 to Oct 23 Maple Tree
• Oct 24 to Nov 11 Walnut Tree
• Nov 12 to Nov 21 Chestnut Tree
• Nov 22 to Dec 01 Ash Tree
• Dec 02 to Dec 11 Hornbeam Tree
• Dec 12 to Dec 21 Fig Tree
• Dec 22 (only) Beech Tree
• TREES (in alphabetical order)
• Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, And attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.
• Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.
• Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
• Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.
• Cedar Tree (Confidence ) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, Likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
• Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.
• Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes What life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially in dependent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.
• Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness ) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, Modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but Not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
• Fig Tree (Sensibility ) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, sexually oriented, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.
• Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.
• Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary ) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.
• Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
• Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
• Maple Tree (Independence of Mind ) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
• Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
• Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind f! feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.
• Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self-esteem, needs affection and reassurance.
• Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.
• Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, urn! est., and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
• Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.
• Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.
• I'm an Elm Tree

CHINESE HOROSCOPE

• AMAZINGLY ACCURATE whatever you do, don't cheat!
• CHINESE HOROSCOPE:THE YEAR OF THE IRON DRAGON, WISHING YOU PROSPERITY AND GOOD FORTUNE IN THE CHINESE NEW YEAR
• FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS -
• DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T WORK AND YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN`T.
• TAKE 3 MINUTES
• TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.
• NO CHEATING!!!!
• THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME.
• DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT.
• IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY
• 1st. Get PEN and PAPER
• 2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW
• 3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!! Very important for good results.
• 4th. SCROLL DOWN
• ONE LINE AT THE TIME
• DON`T READ AHEAD otherwise YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.
• 2. BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2, WRITE DOWN ANY 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?
• 3. BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7, WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
• CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT
• 4. WRITE ANYONES NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY...) next to 4, 5, & 6.
• DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID
• 5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11
• 6. Finally, MAKE A WISH
• ARE YOU READY?
• HERE IS THE KEY TO THE GAME
• 1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in SPACE 2
• 2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE
• 3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in SPACE 7
• 4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in SPACE 4
• 5 .THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.
• 6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR LUCKY STAR
• 7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE PERSON IN NUMBER 3
• 8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE PERSON IN 7
• 9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT YOUR Mind
• 10. 11th IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE
• 11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER

Sexual Horoscope

• : TAURUS :.The Tramp Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as ........ Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to #### with. Are the most sexiest people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not repost. .
• :VIRGO:. The Virgin Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
• .:SCORPIO:. The sex addict Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost. .
• :LIBRA:. The Lover Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? not the kind of person you wanna #### with... u might end up crying... the most irresistible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost. .
• :ARIES:. The Liar Outgoing. Lovable. Spontanious. Not one to #### with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships.=) Addictive. Loud. best in bed. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
• .:AQUARIUS:. Does it in the water Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed, THE BEST LOVERS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
• .:GEMINI:. Does Twosomes Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the #### out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTABLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
• .:LEO:. The Lion in bed Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
• .:CANCER:. The Cutie MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high ### appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great tellin stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
• .:PISCES:. The Piece of ass Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high ### appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
• .:CAPRICORN The passionate Lover Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
• .:SAGITTARIUS:. The Sexy one Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna with you might end up crying.
• I'm Leo

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn't know you liked beer. Thanks Joni

5 Q & A's

1. Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
2. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
3. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
4. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,they take your house and car with them.
5. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Thought for the day: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment? Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose...

Thanks Joni

Too smart for the 1st Grade

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, what is your problem?" Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outeroffice, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Little Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade." The Teacher said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agreed. Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Little Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why she asked such a question!) Little Johnny: "Pockets" Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Little Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes opened really wide but before he could stop the answer..) Little Johnny: "Coconut" Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Little Johnny: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs do on three legs?" Little Johnny: "Shake hands" Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?" Little Johnny: "Yup" Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Little Johnny: "Tent" Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (The Principal was looking restless and bit tense) Little Johnny: "Wedding Ring" Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Little Johnny: "Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates! I come with a quiver." Little Johnny: "Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Little Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his little ass in the fifth-grade.." I got the last ten questions wrong myself Thanks Joni

Bar Tab

• This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added upyour total fine. Post your bar tab as comment...." You don'thave to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
• Smoked pot -- $10
• Did acid -- $5
• Ever had sex at church -- $25
• Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you--$40
• Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
• Had sex for money -- $100
• Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
• Vandalized something -- $20
• Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
• Beat up someone -- $20
• Been jumped -- $10
• Crossed dressed -- $10
• Given money to stripper -- $25
• Been in love with a stripper -- $20
• Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10
• Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15
• Ever drive drunk -- $20
• Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
• Used toys while having sex -- $30
• Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
• Went skinny dipping -- $5
• Had sex in a pool -- $20
• Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
• Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
• Cheated on your significant other -- $10
• Masturbated -- $10
• Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend--$20
• Done oral -- $5
• Got oral -- $5
• Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25
• Stole something -- $10
• Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
• Made a nasty home video -- $15
• Had a threesome -- $50
• Had sex in the wild -- $20
• Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
• Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
• Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
• Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
• Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
• Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
• Went streaking -- $5
• Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
• Been arrested -- $5
• Spent time in jail -- $15
• Peed in the pool -- $5
• Played spin the bottle -- $5
• Done something you regret -- $20
• Had sex with your best friend >-- $20
• Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25
• Had anal sex -- $80
• Lied to your mate -- $5
• Lied to your mate about the sex being good --$25
• Tally it up and Title it.."My Bar Tab Is..." I think it may have been higher - my brain doesn't remember EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
• Okay my bar tab is 1005 post yours in comments or email it to me..

Just checking in again

A minister passing through his church in the middle of the day, Decided to pause by the altar and see who had come to pray. Just then the back door opened, a man came down the aisle, The minister frowned as he saw the man hadn't shaved in a while. His shirt was kind a shabby and his coat was worn and frayed, the man knelt, he bowed his head, Then rose and walked away. In the days that followed, each noon time came this chap, each time he knelt just for a moment, A lunch pail in his lap. Well, the minister's suspicions grew, with robbery a main fear, He decided to stop the man and ask him, "What are you doing here?" The old man said, he worked down the road. Lunch was half an hour. Lunchtime was his prayer time, For finding strength and power. "I stay only moments, see, because the factory is so far away; as I kneel here talking to the Lord, This is kind a what I say: "I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHERS FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM CHECKING IN TODAY." The minister feeling foolish, told Jim, that was fine. He told the man he was welcome To come and pray just anytime Time to go, Jim smiled, said "Thanks." He hurried to the door. The minister knelt at the altar, he'd never done it before. His cold heart melted, warmed with love, and met with Jesus there. As the tears flowed, in his heart, he repeated old Jim's prayer: "I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHERS FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY." Past noon one day, the minister noticed that old Jim hadn't come. As more days passed without Jim, he began to worry some. At the factory, he asked about him, learning he was ill. The hospital staff was worried, But he'd given them a thrill. The week that Jim was with them, Brought changes in the ward. His smiles, a joy contagious. Changed people, were his reward. The head nurse couldn't understand why Jim was so glad, when no flowers, calls or cards came, Not a visitor he had. The minister stayed by his bed, He voiced the nurse's concern: No friends came to show they cared. He had nowhere to turn. Looking surprised, old Jim spoke up and with a winsome smile; "the nurse is wrong, she couldn't know, that he's in here all the while everyday at noon He's here, a dear friend of mine, you see, He sits right down, takes my hand, Leans over and says to me: "I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM, HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP, AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN. ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY, I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY, AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS CHECKING IN TODAY." If this blesses you, pass it on. Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart May God hold you in the palm of His hand and Angels watch over you. Please pass this page on to your friends & loved ones. If you aren't ashamed. Jesus said, " If you are ashamed of me," I will be ashamed of you before my Father." If you are not ashamed, pass this on. But only if you mean it. So this is me ... Just Checking In In God we trust! Thanks Dawn I don't care for chain letters, I do forward them. But, this one I felt I had to share. Hopefully you'll Pass it on also. Later Neenie

How to stay young

HOW TO STAY YOUNG ?... ... 1. Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight, and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why they get paid.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. ?'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with her/him !

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is our self. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them - at every opportunity.

Thanks Dawn

An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." ___________________________________________________________________________________ A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."The doctor replied, "My point exactly." _________________________________________________________________________________-_ Thanks Bill

How to Save the Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell --- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely,Bill Clinton Thanks Ronda

The Mayonnaise Jar

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 CUPS OF COFFEE When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 Hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them intothe jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table And poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the Empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and Favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked". It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend." _____________________________________________________________________________________ Short and clean Old Bessie A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "? Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact t that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' "Now what the hell would you say?!" Thanks Ronda

old girls

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here, we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting." Thanks Ronda

57 cent church

A little girl stood near a small church from which she had been turned away because it was "too crowded." "I can't go to Sunday School," she sobbed to the pastor as he walked by. Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday school class. The child was so happy that they found room for her, and she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to worship Jesus Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement buildings. Her parents called for the kindhearted pastor who had befriended their daughter to handle the final arrangements. As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled red purse was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump. Inside was found 57 cents and a note, scribbled in childish handwriting, which read: "This is to help build the little church bigger so more children can go to Sunday School." For two years she had saved for this offering of love When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the larger building. But the story does not end there.. A newspaper learned of the story and published It. It was read by a wealthy realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands. When told that the church could not pay so much, he offered to sell it to the little church for 57 cents. Church members made large donations Checks came from far and wide. Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to $250,000.00--a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century). Her unselfish love had paid large dividends. When you are in the city of Philadelphia, look up TempleBaptistChurch, with a seating capacity of 3,300. And be sure to visit TempleUniversity, where thousands of students are educated. Have a look, too, at the GoodSamaritanHospitaland at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of beautiful children, built so that no child in the area will ever need to be left outside during Sunday school time. In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind pastor, Dr. Russell H. Conwell, author of the book, "Acres of Diamonds". This is a true story, which goes to show WHAT GOD CAN DO WITH 57 CENTS. Thanks Ronda

Facts of life

Facts of life according to Southwest Airlines A mother and her 5 yr. old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window)turned To his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have Baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"The boy said, "Yes, she did...." "Well, then, go tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you." Thanks Ronda

something to think about

Agree or not it is something to think about Heads up people! Pay attention to what is going on. A man whose family was German aristocracy prior to World War Two owned a number of large industries and estates. When asked how many German people were true Nazis, the answer he gave can guide our attitude toward fanaticism. "Very few people were true Nazis "he said," but many enjoyed the return of German pride, and many more were too busy to care. I was one of those who just thought the Nazis were a bunch of fools. So, the majority just sat back and let it all happen. Then, before we knew it, they owned us, and we had lost control, and the end of the world had come. My family lost everything. I ended up in a concentration camp and the Allies destroyed my factories." We are told again and again by "experts" and "talking heads" that Islam is the religion of peace, and that the vast majority of Muslims just want to live in peace. Although this unqualified assertion may be true, it is entirely irrelevant. It is meaningless fluff, meant to make us feel better, and meant to somehow diminish the specter of fanatics rampaging across the globe in the name of Islam. The fact is that the fanatics rule Islam at this moment in history. It is the fanatics who march. It is the fanatics who wage any one of 50 shooting wars worldwide. It is the fanatics who systematically slaughter Christian or tribal groups throughout Africa and are gradually taking over the entire continent in an Islamic wave. It is the fanatics who bomb, behead, murder, or honor kill. It is the fanatics who take over mosque after mosque. It is the fanatics who zealously spread the stoning and hanging of rape victims and homosexuals. The hard quantifiable fact is that the "peaceful majority," the "silent majority" is cowed and extraneous. Communist Russia comprised Russians who just wanted to live in peace, yet the Russian Communists were responsible for the murder of about 20 million people. The peaceful majority were irrelevant. China's huge population, it was peaceful as well, but Chinese Communists managed to kill a staggering 70 million people. The average Japanese individual prior to World War 2 was not a warmongering sadist. Yet, Japan murdered and slaughtered its way across South East Asia in an orgy of killing that included the systematic murder of 12 million Chinese civilians; most killed by sword, shovel and bayonet. And, who can forget Rwanda, which collapsed into butchery. Could it not be said that the majority of Rwandans were "peace loving"? History lessons are often incredibly simple and blunt, yet for all our powers of reason we often miss the most basic and uncomplicated of points: Peace-loving Muslims have been made irrelevant by their silence. Peace-loving Muslims will become our enemy if they don't speak up, because like my friend from Germany, they will awake one day and find that the fanatics own them, and the end of their world will have begun. Peace-loving Germans, Japanese, Chinese, Russians, Rwandans, Serbs Afghans, Iraqis, Palestinians, Somalis, Nigerians, Algerians, and many others have died because the peaceful majority did not speak up until it was too late. As for us who watch it all unfold; we must pay attention to the only group that counts; the fanatics who threaten our way of life. Lastly, at the risk of offending, anyone who doubts that the issue is serious and just deletes this email without sending it on, can contribute to the passiveness that allows the problems to expand.

THE SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY

Today's Sermon was --- Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have Forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, Except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to Forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling Sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied."Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a Person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the Congregation, and said: "I out lived the bitches." Thanks Ronda

And who Knew

THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS... A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher." ________________________________________________________ Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. Thanks Ronda

I'M A BAD AMERICAN

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICANby: George Carlin I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA.I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear! if you' re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause.I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.And what is going on with gas prices... again?I believe "illegal" is illegal no matter what the lawyers think. I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA!If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.We want our country back! We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY! This is the ‘other side’ of being a ‘true-blooded, compassionate ‘American’ and leave it to George Carlin to put it all into a humorous but yet deeply meaningful interpretation of what an American really is!!! Ronda Thanks Ronda

THE PERFECT PASSWORD

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at theappropriate point in the process, she told him that he would nowneed to enter a password, something he could remember easily and willuse each time he has to log on.The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he wouldtry for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So,whenthe computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainlyobvious to his wife that he was keying in....

P..

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Thanks Ronda

The Purpose of a Dog

The Purpose of a Dog--by a 4 yr. Old Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's Owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their Little boy, Shane, Were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for A miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family. We couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life ---like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."Live simply.... Love generously.... Care deeply..... Speak kindly. ........ May you always have LOVE to share, HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS that care..........Life's not about the finish line....It's about the race to it! ~SWIM HARD Thanks Ronda

"MAYA ANGELOU'S" BEST POEM EVER

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...enough money within her control to move outand rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward toretelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... ..a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that she can't change the length of her calves,the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. whom she can trust,whom she can't,and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

Thanks Ronda

Grandma's Hands

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK.She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she said in a clear strong voice. "I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to her. "Have you ever looked at your hands?" she asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?" I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making. Grandma smiled and related the following story:"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. "These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. "They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent! "They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. "They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. "They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. "These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ." I will never look at my hands the same again. God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of Grandma. I know she has been held by the hands of God. And I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face. When you receive this, say a prayer for the person who sent it to you and watch God's answer to prayer work in your life. Let's continue praying for one another. Thanks Ronda