Friday, August 31, 2007
Diver Meets Guy Underwater
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Prison Break
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a Chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain , do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you!His wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong Hon., I Love you, too!"
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The Things Cops Say...
- These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
- #16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
- #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
- # 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
- #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
- #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
- #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
- #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
- #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
- #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
- #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
- #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to! write as many tickets as we can."
- #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail. "
- AND THE WINNER IS....
- #1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Thanks Ronda
Are you from California?
- ----So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, it's your turn.....
- You know you're from California if:
- 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
- 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
- 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
- 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
- 5. You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?
- 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
- 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
- 8. You can't remember . .. . Is pot illegal?
- 9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
- 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S., Unlike back home
- 11. the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
- 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
- 13. You can't remember . .. .is pot illegal?
- 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
- 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
- 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
- 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
- 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
- 19. The Terminator is your Governor.
- 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
- Thanks Bill
Fw: Don't Buy Pepsi!!!!
- Don't buy Pepsi in the new can.
- Pepsi has a new "patriotic" can coming out with pictures of the
- Empire State Building , and the Pledge of Allegiance on them.
- However, Pepsi left out two little words on the pledge, "Under God."
- Pepsi said they didn't want to offend anyone.
- In that case, we don't want to offend anyone at the Pepsi corporate office, either!
- So if we don't buy any Pepsi product,
- they will not be offended when they don't receive our money that has the words
- "In God We Trust" on it.
- HOW FAST CAN YOU FORWARD THIS ONE!???
Thanks Bill and Terri
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
What Percent are you?
- This is Fun
- > Here you are, test yourself and see if you can be
- > the 2%.
- > Just think outside the circle!
- >
- > At the end of this message, you are asked a
- > question.
- >
- > Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about
- > it.
- > Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
- >
- > This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the
- > same time!
- > Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back
- >
- > to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall
- > into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in
- > the
- > subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%.
- >
- > You'll understand what that means after you finish
- > taking the "test."
- > Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as
- > possible.
- >
- > Do not go to the next calculation before you have
- > finished the previous one..
- > You do not ever need to write or remember the
- > answers, just do it using your mind.
- >
- > You'll be surprised.
- >
- >
- > Start: Keep Scrolling
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- > How much is:
- > 15 + 6
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- > I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's!
- > nearly over..
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- > Come on, one more! ...
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- > QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!
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- > Scroll further to the bottom....
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- > You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?
- >
- > If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of
- > people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.
- >
- > 98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while
- > doing this exercise.
- >
- > If you do not believe this, pass it around and
- > you'll see.
- I'm a 2% what are you?
Peroxide
- This is what Oxi clean is...3% peroxide: Did you know that????
- This was written by Becky Ransey of Indiana
- "I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little old bottle of: 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store.
- My husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't tell you about peroxide.
- Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I bathe)
- No more canker sores and your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes Use it instead of mouthwash. (Small print says mouth wash and gargle right on the bottle)
- 2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of "Peroxide" to keep them free of germs.
- 3. Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the counters.
- 4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour perox ide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
- 5. I had fungus on my feet for years - until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let dry.
- 6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine, but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
- 7. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system like bleach or most other disi nfectants will.
- 8. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into a tissue.
- 9. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
- 10. And of course, if you like a natural look to your light brown, reddish, or dirty blonde hair, spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through. You will not have the peroxide burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages, but more natural highlights. It also lightens gradually so it's not a drastic change.
- 11. Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils, fungus, or other skin infections.
- 12. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing, pour directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
- 13. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors with, and there is no smearing which is why I love it so much for this.
- I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home should be without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner.
- Send on to others who might need to know the benefits of 3% peroxide
- Have a great day.
What Candy Bar are you?
- If you were buying candy & you had your choice of the following, which
- >>would you choose?
- >>
- >>(Pick your chocolate, then look below. No cheating!)
- >>
- >>
- >>
- >>BABYRUTH
- >>3 MUSKETEERS
- >>BUTTERFINGER
- >>SNICKERS
- >>HERSHEY'S
- >>ALMOND JOY
- >>CLARK BAR
- >>REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUPS
- >>ENERGY BAR
- >>CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS
- >>
- >>
- >>Okay, now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about
- >>you:
- >>
- >>
- >>NO!
- >>
- >>You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
- >>
- >>Okay, ready?
- >>
- >>
- >>
- >>BABY RUTH...
- >>
- >>Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty.
- >>Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.
- >>
- >>3 MUSKETEERS...
- >>
- >>You are adventurous and love new ideas. You are a champion of underdogs &
- >>a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your
- >>saber.
- >>
- >>BUTTERFINGER...
- >>
- >>Smooth, sexy & articulate (with your hands). You are an excellent
- >>after-dinner speaker & a good teacher, but don't try to walk & chew gum at
- >>the same time.
- >>
- >>SNICKERS...
- >>
- >>Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. You are a
- >>practical joker and you are a friend for life.
- >>
- >>HERSHEY'S....
- >>
- >>Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people & can be counted on in
- >>a pinch. You tend to melt.
- >>
- >>ALMOND JOY...
- >>
- >>Sexy, always ready to give & receive, very energetic & really likes to get
- >>into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.
- >>
- >>CLARK BAR....
- >>
- >>You like sports: baseball, football, basketball, soccer or whatever! If
- >>you could, you would participate, but enjoy watching sports non-the-less.
- >>You don't like to give up the remote control.
- >>
- >>REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUPS...
- >>
- >>You are a very fun loving person who likes to laugh. You are fun to be
- >>with & people like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted
- >>person.
- >>
- >>ENERGY BAR ...
- >>
- >>Life is passing you by. Get a life! Go eat a plum.
- >>
- >>CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS ....
- >>
- >>You go to the bathroom often.
- I'm a 3 Musketeers what are you?
Remember
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The Man Rules
- The Man Rules
- At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
- We always hear " the rules "! From the female side.
- Now here are the rules from the male side.
- These are our rules!Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! !
- 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
- 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
- 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
- 1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- 1. Crying is blackmail.
- 1. Ask for what you want . Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
- 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
- 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
- 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself
- 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
- 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
- 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
- 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.
- 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really
- 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
- 1. You have enough clothes.
- 1. You have too many shoes.
- 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
- 1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
- But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
- Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.
- Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.
- thanks Annette
Friday, August 24, 2007
Sleepy Sailor
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room wastaken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just abed, I don't care where.""Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But totell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining roomshave complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.""No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed andbushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?""Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy."How'd you manage that?" asked the manager."He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," thesailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on thecheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'...And he sat up all nightwatching me."
Thanks Bill
Thursday, August 23, 2007
The Irishman's Wish
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty." With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, "I want two more of these."
Thanks Annette
WOMEN RULE
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
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MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
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WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"
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The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
_________________________________________________________
Thanks Joni
Who wants to be a millionare
A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.
The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"
Thanks Annette
Eighteen Double Vodkas
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
thanks Annette
Saturday, August 18, 2007
A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS
A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS
Someone will always be prettier. Some will always be smarter. Some of their houses will be bigger. Some will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school. And their husband will fix more things around the house. So let it go, And love you and your circumstances. Think about it! The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart. And the most highly favored Woman on your job may be unable to have children. And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes~~~~ Might be lonely. And the word says, "If I have not Love, I am nothing." So, again, love you. Love who you are. Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say, "I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!" "Winners make things happen~~ Losers let things happen." Be "blessed" ladies
Thanks Ronda
Friday, August 17, 2007
I Wish You Enough
I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.
Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough".
The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough.Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom".
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?".
Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?".
"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.
"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'.May I ask what that means?".
She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone". She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more."When we said, 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them." Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE.....
To all my friends, loved ones and you
I WISH YOU ENOUGH
Thanks Joni
The Discovery Channel
A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about anAfrican black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied aroundhis penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weightstretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, hiswife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Africanstring-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied astring and a weight to his penis . A few days later, the wife asked thehusband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black
Thanks Ronda
Another Blonde Joke
Another blonde joke.
A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”
Thanks Bill
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Do these sunglasses make me look fat
Subject: Hot Day on the Beach!
Lady asks "Do these sunglasses make me look fat?
[Geez - I don't know - wadda' ya think? , nah I don't think so . . .]
(I wanted to ask her to stand up and turn around but I was afraid I'd get clobbered!)
Thanks Danny
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Personal Ad
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. Im a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Please scroll down ....
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society...
Thanks Barb!
(Danny N)
Thanks Danny
NAG.....NAG......NAG......
NAG.....NAG......NAG......
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?' And on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a day he must have had , she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
Thanks Ronda
Friday, August 10, 2007
funny joke
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard." ... And you thought it was an alligator joke
Thanks Bill
It can always get worse
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she's blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He's always there for her.She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend.Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blind too, and refused to marry him. Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying. "Just take care of my eyes dear." This is how the human brain changes when our status changes. Only a few remember what life was like before and who's always been there even in the most painful situations. Life Is A GiftToday before you think of saying an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion. Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven. Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren. Before you argue about your dirty house, someone didn't clean or sweepThink of the people who are living in the streets. Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job. But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another -Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around. Life is a gift, Live it, Enjoy it, Celebrate it, And fulfill it _________________________________________________________________
Monday, August 06, 2007
Adult Fairy Tales
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!Tell me his name!
"Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, the something eater."
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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?
"Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy.
"Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Did you know..Captain Hook died from jock itch.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here.
"Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
Sunday, July 29, 2007
The Cat Story
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard ran back into the house.
They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long, he said as they drove away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Shetried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd just better not shit in the roses!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Thanks Joni
The Old Farmer
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE OLD PEOPLE
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Thanks Ronda
Baby in the tree
If you can't see the baby in the picture, don't give up. It's really cool when it actually appears. This is not a joke and ~ NO ~ Nothing is going to jump out at you! You have to have an open mind.
Don't look for a Baby, and you will see the Baby! Once you see it you won't see anything else!!! This is so cool. Do you see the baby?
Don't look for a Baby, and you will see the Baby! Once you see it you won't see anything else!!! This is so cool. Do you see the baby?
Thanks Ronda
To Tell the Truth
THE OUTHOUSE
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country.They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it becauseit was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determinedthat one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boydecided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.So he got a large stick and started pushing.Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed aftersupper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered , "yes."
Then he thought a moment and said,"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down acherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.
"The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
Thanks Ronda
Saturday, July 28, 2007
The Why's of Men
- 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
- (because they are plugged into a genius)
- 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
- (they don't have enough time)
- 3.. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
- (they don't stop to ask directions)
- 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
- (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
- (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
- 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
- (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
- 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
- (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
- 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
- (don't know......it never happened)
- ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
- And the personal favorite:
- 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
- (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
- Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart.
- Thanks Ronda
WAL-MART GREETER
THE PERFECT WAL-MART GREETER
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that someone would have slept with you twice. You have a nice day now."
One for the OB/GYN!
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did
as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
"You can be greater than anything that can happen to you." - NormanVincent Peale
Thanks Ronda
' I'll wait.... you go ahead. '
Thanks Ronda
Reunion in the Bahamas
Family reunion in the Bahamas - $5,000
Family photograph made into Christmas cards at print shop - $100
Not noticing Waldo in the upper right corner - PRICELESS
For Everything Else . . . There's Master card.
Thanks Ronda
Who Am I
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?
"The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"! "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is. "The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times....
Thanks Ronda
Did You Know
- So You Thought You Knew Everything
- *Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there
- *The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
- *No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
- *Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
- *You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
- *Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
- *The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
- *The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
- *A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
- *American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
- *Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
- *Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
- *The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
- *Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
- *The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
- *Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
- *Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
- *All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
- *Walt Disney was afraid of mice
- *Pearls melt in vinegar.
- *Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
- *The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
- *It is possible to lead a cow upstairs..but not downstairs.
- *A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
- *The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
- *Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contain all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
- *Turtles can breathe through their butts.
- *Butterflies taste with their feet.
- Dogs taste with their stomachs (smell tells them if it is fit to eat or not)
- *In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
- *On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
- *On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
- *Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
- *Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
- *Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
- *Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
- *It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
- *The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
- *A snail can sleep for three years.
- *No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." (or Orange)
- *Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
- *Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
- *The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
- *All polar bears are left handed.
- *In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
- *An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that! :)
- *TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
- *"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
- *If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
- *A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
- *The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- *Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
- *Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.
- PS... So........ did you try to lick your elbow??
- Thanks Ronda
MATH PROBLEM
- UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM
- Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.
- Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country.
- Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your Head)
- 1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code)
- 2. Multiply by 80
- 3. Add 1
- 4. Multiply by 250
- 5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
- 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
- 7. Subtract 250
- 8. Divide number by 2
- Do you recognize the answer ??
- Thanks Ronda
Roosters
A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”
“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”
The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.
“Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
Thanks Bill
The Good Napkins
This cracked me up! Tell me you all didn't wonder about these when youwere little!!
THE GOOD NAPKINS... ahhhhh... the joys of having Girls... My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her firstmistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinetdoors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she waskeeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me thatthose were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and myfolks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom hadassignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burstinto laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next camemy father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw eachplace setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at eachplate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the littletail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sentthe other adults into further fits of laughter . "But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!" Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?! ????????
Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh. ! Life is too short for drama & petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, Love truly and forgive quickly
Thanks Ronda
Mowing Grass
Picture of this Army soldier in Iraq with his tiny "plot" of grass in front of his tent. It's heartwarming! Here is a soldier stationed in Iraq, stationed in a big sand box. He asked his wife to send him dirt ( U..S. soil), fertilizer, and some grass seed so that he can have the sweet aroma, and feel the grass grow beneath his feet. When the men of the squadron have a mission that they are going on, they take turns walking through the grass and the American soil -- to bring them good luck.
Thanks Ronda
Panhandling
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
Thanks Bill
Home Security System
- Installing a Home Security System (Southern Style)
- 1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's size 16 work boots.
- 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a few copies of Guns & Ammo magazine and some back-issues of NRA magazine.
- 3. Put several giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. (Include a deer thighbone).
- 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
- Hey Duke! Big Jim, Slammer, Slim, and I went for more hollow-point ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and they messed him up real bad.
- I don't think Killer took part in it. Thank God! It was hard to tell, though, from all the blood. Took Bobbi-Jo hours to clean up the sidewalk.
- Anyways, I locked all four dogs up in the house. Better wait outside.
- They're kinda spooked.
- We be right back, Bubba
- Thanks Ronda
Friday, July 27, 2007
field trips
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys, up one by one, while they were holding onto their "wee wee's" to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade." "No, ma'am, "he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
Be careful of what you ask for
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.After a long period of silence, the priest spoke."Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, Father.""In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.""I agree.""Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?""Anything, Father.""I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.""Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts,
commenting frequently on their beauty."Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"She consented and he fondled them for several minutes."Father, could I ask something of you?""Yes, Sister?""I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?""I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe."Oh Father, may I touch it?"The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection."Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.""Is that true, Father?""Yes, it is, Sister.""Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."
Thanks Ronda
I speak blonde
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I 'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TOHOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT ANDTHE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THATBECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TOHOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'MMARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE & WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,
""OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT INECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHATHE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.................
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
Thanks Ronda
Cajun Pregnacy
Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the Doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby . She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! you just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!" Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! you got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy! " When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat d own with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere three-in-one Oil?" His wife said, "Yeah, I do!" Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good ting we did n't use no WD-forty."
Thanks Ronda
A funny parallel
A funny Parallel or oxymoron????
A funny parallel... I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere. Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quite, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see . . . our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be a automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
Thanks Ronda
5 Rules for a Happy Life
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women never meet.
Thanks Dad
Thursday, July 26, 2007
things kids hear
A teacher was doing a study testing the taste senses of her First graders. Using a bowl of life savers, she asked them to identify the flavor of each different color.
The children began to say:
"Red.........................cherry,"
"Yellow..................lemon,"
"Green................lime,"
" Orange........orange,
"Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father.
"One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:"Oh My God!!!! They're ass holes!
Thanks Dawn
Strange 'facts' (?)
What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception.
- Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it? Skinny dipping.
- What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show? No theme song/music.
- Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace. This is propinquity.
- Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession
- More women do this in the bathroom than men. Wash their hands. Women * 80% - Men - 55%
- What do 100% of all lottery winners do? Gain weight.
- In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell. Banana
- If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand
- What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
- Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men. Change their underwear.
- This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous. A kiss
- This is the only food that doesn't spoil. Honey
- There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. Father's Day
- What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
- 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this? Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
- 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. Wear underwear.
- What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% carbon dioxide? A fart.
- About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting? Flush the toilet.
- What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"? Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.
- 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this. Cheating on their wives.
What is a racist?
I received this 3 times today and forward it for your nod of approval or sneer of disgust.You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me "Whiteboy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" and that's OK.But when I call you, nigger, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink you call me a racist.You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund.You have Martin Luther King Day.You have Black History Month.You have Cesar Chavez Day.You have Yom HashoahYou have Ma'uled Al-NabiYou have the NAACP.You have BET.If we had WET(White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.If we had white history month, we'd be racists.If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists.If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US, yet if there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.I am proud, but you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists?
There is nothing improper about this email.
FUN QUIZ!!!
- The average person only gets 7 correct. This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see!
- There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life. Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!
- Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7)
- Write down your answers as you go. Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.
- REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU RE ALLY ARE.
- Here we go!
- 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
- 2. How many states are there in the USA ? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
- 3 In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
- 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
- 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
- 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)
- 7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
- 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
- 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
- 10. Which way does water godown the drain, counter or clockwise ?
- 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
- 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
- 13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
- 14. Which way do fans rotate?
- 15 How many sides does a stop sign have?
- 16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
- 17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
- 18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
- 19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
- 20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
- 21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
- 22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
- 23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
- 24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
- 25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
- ANSWERS
- 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM
- 2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50
- 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT
- 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD
- 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0
- 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?RIGHT
- 7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20
- 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED
- 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88
- 10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)
- 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run ?TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT
- 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)
- 13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT
- 14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT
- 15. How many sides does a stop sign have? 8
- 16. Do books have even-numbered pages on theright or left side? LEFT hhhh
- 17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5
- 18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6
- 19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL
- 20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?8
- 21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES
- 22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT
- 23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? * ,
- 24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3
- 25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER
- I got 21 right
Feng Shui Horoscope
- Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens! If you are honest this tells the truth -- it's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom... 1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
- 2. Your first initial?
- 3. Your month of birth?
- 4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
- 5 . Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
- 6. Your favorite number?
- 7. Do you like California or Florida more?
- 8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
- 9. Write down a wish (a realistic one) When you're done, scroll down.
- Don'tcheat >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>
- Answers: 1. If you choose: Red - You are alert and your life is full of love. Black - you are conservative and aggressive. Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
- 2. If your initial is: A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
- 3. If you were born in: JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever. JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good. OCT - DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your soulmate.
- 4. If you chose... Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
- 5. This person should be your best friend.
- 6. This is how many close friends you will have in your lifetime.
- 7. If you chose: California : You like adventure. Florida : You are a laid back person.
- 8. If you chose: Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
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